ah yes...

reading someone elses blog, i realized again why i started this blog in the first place. not to talk about events in my life per se. it was supposed to be more about experiences, ie, meaning of dreams and the cereal in college thing, and the happy ending. stuff more like that than events.
and ive been failing at that recently, probably because i havent been able to write it down. so.
my fish died in august. okay, normally not a big deal. BUT, my fish was 13 years old.
i had him since i was 7. that was almost 2/3rds of my LIFE. everynight since sometime in 1992, i fell asleep with him in the room with me. i had a second fish as well, he died a while ago, and didnt affect me nearly as much. with this one... i got used to having him there. and, man, did he live through a lot. over feeding, ick, shock, the freezing temps of my parents house...
i got used to the air pump in my room. cleaning the tank, feeding him. and, half way through the summer, when i was at least back east, but in the city at the time, my mom called and told me he had died. i bawled my eyes out. i cried myself to sleep that night. it was such an odd feeling, to know that somehting i had as a constant for so long was gone.
oddly enough, i went home the next day to find out he wasnt actually dead. just very sick. i knew he was going to go soon. really, it was amazing that a goldfish lasted 13 years anyway. i came back to school and my mom called me one of my first weekends back, and said he had actually died this time. she left the filter running.
i went back for thanksgiving, and the tank was still running, just without him. hes in the freezer in the garage.
i still havent buried him. the ground was frozen. and i wasnt ready.

i remember that first night being there without the air pump on. it was so quite. given, i havent had that while im at school, but its always been in my room back east. for thirteen years. its something connected in my head. but now its done. and for the first time in a long
time, i dont have a fish tank in my room.
i do have a bit more space. but it still makes me sad to see it.
i miss him. even though he was just a goldfish.

people keep asking me if im going to get another fish. no way.
i dont think i could handle this again.

yes, this did happen a while ago for me. but what do people do when a constant in their life is just gone one day? how do you deal?
as cynical as i might be somedays, i see people surviving and living, even after horrible sadness.
it gives me faith in humankind.
and thats hard to do lately.